IMPORTANT NOTE:
I wrote this post a couple of days before #4 got to come home about three weeks ago. Once she was with us, it seemed silly to post. I decided to go ahead now, because if there are any moms out there who have or are enduring a baby’s stay in the NICU, perhaps this will help them not feel so alone. Those three weeks that my sweet babe was a NICU patient were some of the hardest days of my life (and my family’s), but we survived. Today we are all together and undertaking a new adventure… acclimatizing ourselves from three kids to four. Yikes. I will write more about that when time permits…say, in about two years. Just kidding. Hopefully very soon! I have food to write about, too…
So, without further ado…This Way to the NICU…
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Apologies for not posting anything lately…things have been a little weird.
Having a background in nursing and working in a hospital for several years did absolutely nothing to prepare me for being on the other side of the stethoscope as a parent of a newborn in the NICU.
It’s a long walk from my car to the NICU, no matter where I park.
It’s a lonely walk. Lonely, lonely.
I go to the hospital five times a day (every three hours) so that my baby will know me and she can learn to nurse. How could I not? Thank goodness we live ten minutes away.
During those long, familiar walks to and from the parking garage, I noticed things that others might not notice or care about.
There is a lot of construction going on, because they’re building an entirely new patient tower which will include a brand-spankin’-new NICU. The construction dudes are there every.single.day. Even on weekends. The powers-that-be are really determined to get that thing built by next year.

It’s really amazing how quickly things change inside the hospital when there’s construction going on. One day, I’m walking through the front lobby to get where I need to be. That same day, only hours later, I’m walking through part of the ER and then through a newly built hallway that is behind the lobby because the lobby is now closed off for construction.
There’s a dime-sized blood drop on the floor near the Emergency Room waiting area. Is it his? Hers? That dude with the ice pack on his head? Did it belong to a child?
There are a lot of young children in the ER on any given day. When I hear a baby crying, I want to cry, too.
Several elderly folks are wheeled in each day. It’s always the same thing – someone drives up, gets a wheelchair, takes it back to their car and begins the loooooong process of trying to get that person out of the car and into the chair. The elderly person is slumped over. I feel for the person doing the hard labor of helping them out of the car, and I feel for that elderly man or woman who feels so bad that they can’t walk.
Walking through radiology, I hear the MRI machine…loud and creepy. There are folks lined up waiting in hospital gowns and wheelchairs or gurneys for their turn to get an X-ray, MRI, CT scan…”like planes on the tarmac” as my husband noted.
The new hallway is really long, and it seems to get longer as I’m walking through it, like someone extending a telescope.

Several times a day, there is a lady dust-mopping the new hallway, carrying a can of something (hope it’s not Pledge) and wearing a hardhat (because of the construction going on?). But not today…today it’s a young man. He’s wearing a hardhat, too, but no spray can.
I have decided that I really do not care for loud noises.
I notice the smell of urine near the surgery waiting area. What happened there?
Nursing students here and there, some in green, some in purple. They look scared to death. I remember that feeling. Nervous, nervous. They’re thinking “Do I really have to touch people I don’t know?” and “I pray I don’t kill someone today”.
I hope it wasn’t one of them who peed near the surgery waiting area…
The main hallway to the elevators is really cold, so I always wear a sweater.
People in the L&D waiting room…loud and rowdy. There are young kiddos spilling their juice boxes all over the floor. Everyone’s excited to welcome a new life. I envy them, because most of those Mommies will get to hold their babies as much as they want while they’re in the hospital and then get to take them home.
I want to reach out to the other NICU moms and talk to them, hear their stories, but I can’t. And I realize they can’t either…we are all sort of mentally isolated from one another…all of our focus is on our little ones. We smile politely to each other and maybe say “hello” or “I guess you’re on the same schedule” and try to laugh it off. All of us are going through our own experiences with a very different story to tell. I think the lady who’s babe is next to mine is depressed. I think the nurses sense it, too. Her voice sounds so sad and despondent. I hope she’ll be okay.
When the privacy screens are up around me while I’m nursing the babe, I can hear everything happening outside my little fortress even better. I hear about the recipes that one nurse tried. I hear two other nurses discussing a case. I hear the mommies next door on either side talking to their husbands or not talking at all. I hear a nurse gently encouraging one of the moms to keep trying to get her baby to wake up and eat. I look down and realize that my babe has nodded off and I need to wake her up so she’ll eat, too. This usually means I need to rub her back, tickle her feet, sit her up and talk to her, or strip her down so she’s not as toasty. I hate having to do that to her.

After a natural birth experience, I feel like I could do anything…take on any challenge, endure any type of pain. But being separated from my newborn is more painful than anything. The nights, at home without her, are absolute torture.
It’s hard choosing the best times to break down and decompress…it’s difficult. Wait until I get to the car, wait until I’m home and in the bedroom so the kids won’t see. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Can’t wait for her to be home with me and her Daddy and siblings.
Sitting in the NICU holding the babe and staring down that pulse oximetry monitor…willing her oxygen levels to stay up, up, up. So my daughter can come home.

The walk to the NICU is the same every day. The nurses there are like family to me now – they all know me and #4 quite well. They always know when to expect me and our nurse always has everything ready for us (privacy screens set up, warm bottle of Mommy’s milk as a supplement after nursing, bath supplies at the ready if it’s bath day, etc.)
Funny thing is, I will probably blubber a little bit when it’s time to leave, because the incredible nurses and doctors and nurse practitioners and respiratory therapists have all been so wonderful to us. They’ve really been rooting for us so we can go home and be a family.
And I know that time is coming soon…
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Yes, I did blubber when we left, but mostly I was excited and couldn’t wait to get her home. It was a happy, happy day that I’ll never forget, and I will NEVER forget the incredible people who helped get her there.
Home, Sweet Home!